Why Did God Let This Happen?
I wanted an answer so bad. I asked God over and over, what are you doing? Why this? I can understand pain. I have been in pain for a long time. I can handle it. But it seemed cruel to rob me of my brain. How was I supposed to worship, to glorify God when I was not coherent most of the time? How was I supposed to tell of God’s goodness and grace when I could not speak, or even think of words? WHY?
I know that a lot of my loved ones have felt the same way. Waiting patiently, praying earnestly to hear from God on that very subject: Why is this happening? How is this for the good of Caroline, or Colin? How are you working in this God? Why is it worth it?
Wouldn’t you know it, God showed me, and gave me a fire in my heart to show others. Because one thing is universal in all of our stories: there is pain. It may not be physical like mine, in fact it may be completely different. Maybe it is a life-shattering diagnosis. A relationship ended. You lost everything. But I am here to tell you there is not a difference between your trial and mine. Suffering is suffering. It’s evil. We weren’t made for it, but it’s a consequence of living in this fallen world.
I asked God countless times “how are you going to make this worth it?”. I felt that if I knew God’s plan, how he would work this together for my good, I would have the strength to go on. I could rejoice in him.
Listen to me: THAT IS SO BACKWARDS.
God does not allow suffering in our lives to show us his great plan. He allows suffering in our lives to allow us to choose him despite not knowing his plan.
In asking God why, what I was really asking was “what will you give me, so I will worship you? How is it worth it to keep following you?”.
One of the only things that decreased my pain slightly was a hot epsom bath in the dark (sorry if that’s TMI). It was also a great time to hash it out with God out loud, because no one could hear me praying out loud, and my prayers got a little heated. I don’t remember much from the past three months, but I distinctly remember a time praying angrily at God, telling him all the ways that this was not fair to my baby and my husband. I can handle suffering, but when it affected those I loved so deeply it hurt me on a whole new level.
Before I knew it, tears were streaming down my face and I ran out of words. I found myself whispering
I love you no matter what. I will worship you even if this never ends.
And that’s it, folks. When we follow God out of pure love, solely for his glory, we suffer well. And through that, in our suffering, our faith is deepened. Satan is defeated. And we are truly free, no matter the pain encompassing us.